How do we heal from birth trauma? Its hard when you can't even acknowledge that it exists. I came home from my sons birth with a brand new baby, scars no one could see and lots of people congratulating me. How do you say "I'm sad." when everyone else is so happy for you? How do you move on when its not ok to grieve your experience?
Its taken me a long time to be able to recognize and accept the trauma of my sons birth - to understand that it is OK to be sad, to grieve the experience.
This birth experience was long, hard, painful in more than one way and I am lucky to have come out of it with only emotional scars. My memories are blurry, colored by confusion, time and who knows what medications, but as they are I share them with you today.
I was 20 years old when I discovered I was expecting my first child. It wasn't planned, but neither was it terribly surprising. I believed that it would go well, because I simply assumed it would. I knew how birth occurred more or less - though I had never witnessed a birth. I spent exactly zero moments dwelling on the what-ifs. I was convinced that birth was a naturally occurring event and that it would happen naturally.
There weren't a lot of choices for OB's in my small midwest town, so I picked the only female OB. At the time that was pretty much the only thing that mattered to me in picking an OB. (as we go forward in this story I want to say right now that I don't blame my OB for the experiences I had. I do think her decisions led to the traumatic birth I experienced, but she was acting on the training she had received and I believe she made her decisions based on what she thought was my best interest. She remained present with me in labor and waited far longer than most OB's would have before making the decision to do surgery, and gave me the "one last push" I needed. I believe my OB (and most OBs) was as much a victim of societies views on birth as the women she serves. We ultimately have to take responsibility for our own births.)
My pregnancy was normal and un-eventful until 35 weeks when I went to a checkup and was found to have high blood pressure and low fluid. I was told to come back in two days and if there was no change they would be inducing. Reading back over my journal entry for that day I wasn't afraid or worried. I was excited that I may meet my baby soon, but I did say "I want everything to go right, I want Ian healthy!"
Reading over my next journal entry I see the fear society ingrains into our collective psyche. I was afraid Ian would be a "huge baby," I thought labor sounded "miserable" and I was afraid of working hard and still ending up with a c-section.
My BP remained high but steady and I stayed pregnant until 38 weeks when I went in for my regular appointment. My OB checked me and said I was still high and closed, that there was a very good chance I'd have a c-section and that I was "close enough" to 39 weeks. And she sent me to the hospital "to get things started."