Kandra {nursing} session

When I first moved back to Arizona one of the very first sessions I did was Kandra's little boy Davey.  It was the beginning of a wonderful relationship - over the past 2 years I've done Kandra's maternity, newborn photos of sweet Braelynn, family photos, mommy and me, and Brae's first birthday cake smash.

When Kandra called and told me that Brae was weaning and that she wanted to me capture her very last nursing session I said "absolutely!"  So we met at Red Rock Crossing on a beautiful evening to capture some sweet pics of this bittersweet moment for Kandra and Brae.

I love every single image.

Welcome to the next step in your life sweet Brae!

World Breastfeeding Awareness Week {nursing} Mini Sessions

The fabulous Perfect Chance Photography and myself decided that we wanted to celebrate World Breastfeeding Awareness Week with some beautiful nursing sessions on the Verde River.  Some beautiful mama's and their nurslings came out to visit us and we had a wonderful time capturing sweet moments!

So much love.... <3  Thanks for sharing such an amazing bond mamas!

Ian - My first {birth} story

How do we heal from birth trauma?  Its hard when you can't even acknowledge that it exists.  I came home from my sons birth with a brand new baby, scars no one could see and lots of people congratulating me.  How do you say "I'm sad." when everyone else is so happy for you?  How do you move on when its not ok to grieve your experience?

Its taken me a long time to be able to recognize and accept the trauma of my sons birth - to understand that it is OK to be sad, to grieve the experience.

This birth experience was long, hard, painful in more than one way and I am lucky to have come out of it with only emotional scars.  My memories are blurry, colored by confusion, time and who knows what medications, but as they are I share them with you today.

I was 20 years old when I discovered I was expecting my first child.  It wasn't planned, but neither was it terribly surprising.  I believed that it would go well, because I simply assumed it would.  I knew how birth occurred more or less - though I had never witnessed a birth.  I spent exactly zero moments dwelling on the what-ifs.  I was convinced that birth was a naturally occurring event and that it would happen naturally.

There weren't a lot of choices for OB's in my small midwest town, so I picked the only female OB.  At the time that was pretty much the only thing that mattered to me in picking an OB.  (as we go forward in this story I want to say right now that I don't blame my OB for the experiences I had.  I do think her decisions led to the traumatic birth I experienced, but she was acting on the training she had received and I believe she made her decisions based on what she thought was my best interest.  She remained present with me in labor and waited far longer than most OB's would have before making the decision to do surgery, and gave me the "one last push" I needed.  I believe my OB (and most OBs) was as much a victim of societies views on birth as the women she serves.  We ultimately have to take responsibility for our own births.)

My pregnancy was normal and un-eventful until 35 weeks when I went to a checkup and was found to have high blood pressure and low fluid.  I was told to come back in two days and if there was no change they would be inducing.  Reading back over my journal entry for that day I wasn't afraid or worried.  I was excited that I may meet my baby soon, but I did say "I want everything to go right, I want Ian healthy!"

Reading over my next journal entry I see the fear society ingrains into our collective psyche.  I was afraid Ian would be a "huge baby," I thought labor sounded "miserable" and I was afraid of working hard and still ending up with a c-section.

My BP remained high but steady and I stayed pregnant until 38 weeks when I went in for my regular appointment.  My OB checked me and said I was still high and closed, that there was a very good chance I'd have a c-section and that I was "close enough" to 39 weeks.  And she sent me to the hospital "to get things started."

To be honest I didn't even know what she meant.  I walked across the parking lot to the hospital, checked in and was handed a hospital gown.  "do I have to put this on?" I asked.  "Yes." the nurse said.  "When can I go home?" I asked.  "After the baby comes of course!" she replied!

That was the first moment I realized I was actually there to have a baby.

They began with Cervadil, followed by a Foley catheter (a balloon blown up in your cervix if you were wondering....!).  This process took all afternoon.  I was dilated to about a 5 and totally miserable by nightfall.

Five AM saw me headed down the hall to the delivery room where they hooked me up to Pitocin and the ever present monitors.  I labored on Pitocin all morning, stuck in a bed, with my pit being doubled every 15 minutes.  Around noon the OB visited and broke my water.  (I never remember being ASKED about any of these things...they simply were done to me.)

I labored all afternoon, remaining at a 6 most of this time.

Around 5PM my OB checked me and said I wasn't progressing.  She recommended an epidural so my body could relax and progress.  I hadn't wanted an epi, but after all day laboring on Pit, stuck in a bed and with the memory of the word C-section in my brain I agreed.

In less than an hour I was fully dilated.

I know now that he hadn't dropped, that my next three and half hours of pushing were probably mostly pointless.  But when they first said I could push I was so excited.  Everyone had told me this was the quick part, the good part, I knew I would see my baby soon!

But I pushed, and pushed, and pushed.  Even with the epi it was painful, and I was so tired and so confused.  "Your doing it WRONG." the nurse said with exasperation at one point.  I wanted to cry - because I didn't now how to "do it right."

"We can see the head!"  And I thought for sure this was it!  But that little head just went back and forth again and again, stuck on my pelvis.

Eventually I lost track of time and space.  The world became a blurry place of pain, people talking at me and the alarms on the monitors going off over and over again.  "Shut those off!" my OB finally snapped.  Suddenly I was on oxygen, the OB was yelling for different meds, my mother (a OB nurse herself) was blocking the monitors from me with her body.  What seemed like a hundred people filled my room and my OB grabbed my foot and shook me.  "This is your LAST PUSH, Crystal.  You MUST get him out now!" she said urgently.

I have no idea how I did it.

But I did.

Immediately I began to shake uncontrollably.  "I see six of you." I told Nathan.

They placed Ian on my chest for only a second before whisking him away out of my sight.  He didn't cry, he whimpered.  I didn't see him again for a while, as they worked on me and worked on him.  And I didn't care.  I wish I cared.  But I was so disconnected from the whole experience.

When they finally gave him back to me we were both so exhausted, so confused.  My eyes were nearly swollen shut from pushing and from my blood pressure, which had soared to crazy highs during that last hour.  Ian's eyes were full of antibacterial goop he didn't need and his poor swollen, bruise, misshapen head was hidden under the silly little hat.

Everyone crowded into see him, to congratulate us.  Everyone was overjoyed.

I don't know how I felt.  Relieved, yes.  Joyful, no.  I wish I had felt amazing, empowered, overjoyed.  But I felt lost, confused, and disconnected from the whole experience. 

I later learned that my mom was literally scared for my life - that Ian's heart rate plummeted at the last moment, that their was a surgery team standing by.  My blood pressure was dangerously high and the fuzziness of that last hour for me was because I was on the verge of stroking out.  I've been told how lucky I am that I was in the hospital so they could "save me."  I am grateful to be alive, grateful Ian is alive and grateful I avoided a C-section.  But I believe that the interventions I received led to the life-threatening situation.  I didn't know about the cascade of interventions, I fully trusted my OB to make the right choices.

It has taken me many years and two more births to come to terms with this experience and write the truth of it.  I will forever feel a sense of sadness mixed with joy when I look at these pictures. They are some of my least favorite pictures of myself, and the saddest pictures of my poor little traumatized Ian.  They represent a lost birth experience we didn't even know we were missing at the time, but also the first moments of life for my amazing, sensitive, sweet, imaginative, book loving, science driven little boy; my firstborn who will always hold my heart.

Ian Douglas Billington was 8lbs, 8oz, 21 inches long, with a "huge" 14cm head (the same size as his two easily birthed sisters...).  He was born March 18th, 2009 at 9:30PM at 38 weeks - not ready to be earthside yet. 

He's now 5 - happy, healthy and starting Kindergarten next week. <3

Orion {newborn} session

Oh Mr Orion!  You are too cute!  And oh so hard to get to sleep!  Photographer's child syndrome right from birth! =)

Sweet dreams little fox-baby!

Orion {{home}birth}story

Chance and I have been friends for some time, and we both discovered we were pregnant last fall - 10 weeks apart.  Being photographers we have pretty much spent all year taking turns documenting each others journeys.  Maternity, henna, blessingways, my birth and our attempt at my daughters newborn pics. 

And, at last, the birth of Orion!

Two days before Orion made his appearance we ran out to the desert for a few last minute belly pics and some sweet pictures with Chance's two oldest children.

The next evening the contractions began and continued for a long drawn out night and day.  I stopped in to check on everyone late afternoon, bringing a birth ball and blueberry Chai.

Afternoon turned to evening, evening to night and night to early morning as things intensified and the midwives arrived.  At long last, after an intense labor, Orion Lynn entered the world at 7AM to be welcomed by his daddy Ian, big sister Jayda and Spiderman (aka, big brother Aesop!).  His first moments of life were so sweet - surrounded by love at home!

Welcome Earthside sweet Orion Lynn!  You are so loved!

Emma {newborn} session

Just a few weeks ago I photographed Emma's beautiful mama and handsome daddy down at the river.  They were awesome - so clearly in love and excited to meet their sweet baby girl.

Just a few weeks later Miss Emma entered the world and I was so excited to get her and her parents in front of my camera!  She was a fabulous baby who slept so well for me through lots of cute setups. 

I love her sweet chubby cheeks and tons of dark hair!

Arin {maternity} session

I was so thrilled to photograph the amazing Arin last week.  Arin is a local massage therapist and Yoga instructor and these fun and fearless pictures are a perfect representation of her as she carries her third child.  We found a perfect place overlooking Cathedral Rock and Arin got her Yoga on.  We even had a few hikers stop and comment on how fabulous this Yoga Mama was!

Thanks for sharing your bump and your talent with me Arin!

Cristian {newborn} session

A few months ago I photographed Mr Cristian's big sister Julianna when she turned five, and I was super excited to get to photograph this little man when he arrived.  At just 5 days old Cristian was a dream baby and I enjoyed his session so much!

Josiah {milestone} session

Josiah's mom and I have been friends and worked together for a while now.  This isn't the first time he's been in front of my camera but this time it was to celebrate a very special milestone - turning TWO!  Turns out Josiah and I share a birthday (just a FEW years apart!) so I had extra fun taking his pictures!

Happy birthday little dude!  Hope two is awesome!

Chance {maternity} session

I was super honored and excited to do Chance's maternity pictures!  She is the super talented mama behind the camera at Perfect Chance Photography and she does an amazing job capturing births (In fact she photographed my own Quinn's birth just a month ago!)  We had quite the vision for this session and I think we more than achieved it!  Chance was fabulous on the other side of the camera and I am in love with her whole session! 

Can't wait to capture the homebirth of this sweet baby boy very soon!!

You are beautiful Chance - inside and out!  Thank you for letting me capture these moments! <3